The wrong guy, the wrong situation, the right time to roll to me. 

And I don't think I have ever seen a soul so in despair and if you want to talk the night through guess who will be there...








Boy you are more bipolar then that Katy Perry song.


What do you know about making sure I'm happy anyway?


I realize now that my fears are bigger then I thought and letting go is a HUGE crutch that I'm just not ready for.
I've been this way since I was about eleven and here is no other way out but to just do it. I know what I want and I have never been the type of person to take it laying down or try to find a different path to get there.  Moving away from home will surely test my strength and I hope I don't fall apart.  Still, I know I cannot do it alone, I need someone with me who knows all about my problems and understands me the best way they can.  I can't be alone in something this big...this new chapter in my life is going to start out shaky and I have no idea how its going to end.  I want to be happy, I wish I knew where I could go to make the pains and fears go away.  I wish I knew which boy I was supposed to be with because they ALWAYS come back and the worst times...

I dunno man, I dunno.



___________________________________________________________________________

I haven’t cried in a long time.  Like really cried, I mean. Which it may be a good thing, but it isn’t me.  I don’t know this Kim, who is happy and content with the way life is unraveling.  I’m not used to my positive attitude changes and constant happiness.  It’s strange, in a way, but all at the same time a totally good way to look at things.

 

 You once were such a big part in my life. I woke up thinking about you entirely and went to bed picturing your face.  My dreams were constantly interrupted by your sweet laugh, or gentle touch.  You knew me more then I even admitted to myself.  I was home.

 

Ever since we met my life has changed in so many different ways.  You were someone I never thought I would be compatible with.  We started to talk, late night phone conversations and little silly secrets.  Before I even realize it, you got in.  Sure I was resilient at first, after being heart broken so painfully.  “Sweet dreams.” You said.  And for the first time in over a year, I did.

 

Some nights it was one am phone conversations lasting at least until at least six.  We talked about silly things; you really knew how to make me laugh.  When I woke up I was never tired, I just missed you. So I made sure to call you that second to tell you so.

 

You remembered things, and that means a lot to me. More then you’ll ever know.  Not just My Birthday things, but little things like what I order on my cheeseburger and where I like to sit at the movies. You know I like my drinks with no ice, and to order extra pizza sauce when we order out.

 

Often times you amazed me with what you remembered about me. And had this cute mocking laugh that made my heart dance.  You had the sweetest southern accent I could imagine and said things like “Thatta girl.” And “That’s my girl.”  You had this way of making me feel like yours, and only yours.  “I love you.” You said.

 

You love surprising me, with candies, flowers, whatever. It didn’t matter. I never expected it, but always always welcomed it.  You played my favorite CDs in your car, instead of yours, because you know I don’t like them.  You let me give you haircuts and buy you clothes.  We go to cute places, such as drive-ins, and lakes on warm summer nights.

 

Remember when you used to sing to me?  We had the best phone conversations.  You always made time for me, or would text me saying you were thinking of me.  You talked of a future, of us together.  You always gave me something to think about, you were so smart and interesting.  I loved the way you thought.

 

I can’t get over how patient you are with me.  You listen to me, and let me be mad at you for no reason.  You understand I have to do things “just because” and hardly ever question my mood swings.  When I smile, I watch you smile too, automatically.  You tell me my lips are addicting, when really I can’t get enough of yours.

 

I remember crying so hard when you left.  You kissed me and walked away quickly without looking back.  I know it hurt you too, because I could have sworn I saw a tear in your eye.  I gave you a note. Do you still have it?  It said I’d never stop loving you. I said I’d never stop loving you. I knew and understood you had to go.  I just can’t put into words how hard I cried while eating the Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream you bought me and blasting Dashboard Confessional.

 

Your support amazes me.  You never rejected my crazy dreams and thoughts. You impressed me with your dreams to go far in life and how rounded you turned out in life.  You want only the best for me, and tell me so in many different ways.  You tell me to dream big, and pinky promise promise that I’ll soon get it.

 

You were tipsy for our first kiss, and we both knew it.  We were both so nervous, but wanted it so bad.  We walked away from the group, walking instep, our hips bouncing.  It was cold that night, I had your coat slung around my neck and we kissed under the streetlamp.  My heart was pounding.  Could you hear it?

 

We sat in my car in your driveway, after the most perfect day together.  Rain pounded all around my car and I opened my sunroof so we can “kiss in the rain.” You touched my jaw with your fingertips and our lips met for the first time.  I was trembling.  It was so cold that night and my heart was pounding.  Could you hear it?

 

I looked up to you, and all of your talents and life experiences. Maybe I was just a little girl in love, I don’t know. What I do know is you hurt me. More then my words can ever express.  I worked so hard and put so much into our relationship, but you were only half paying attention. You lied so much, but you were good at it, and I didn’t want to believe it.

 

You couldn’t decide who you wanted to be with. Me, or her.  You chose her, and again I was put into second place. Shoved to the side.  Why couldn’t I be the other girl that everyone wanted to be with?  A few weeks later you came back, you made a mistake, you wanted me back.

 

You never came back.

OH wait here you are 3 years later...

All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And I needed was a call
It never came...

I have been busy, trying to keep myself busy.

I’m faster then the doubt crawling behind me

for years.
I could have the world
instead I'm just terrified that my mistakes will push me away from happiness.
I keep telling myself that I'm happy
Whose is happy these days anyway?

A baby is born, crying out for attention....

I start school in less then a week.
I think you are a chicken shit for walking out on me.
And STAYING with someone you tell me you don't really love.
I think this weather is amazing.
I am excited for my big plans tomorrow...and spending time with old friends.
I am sad that they are going away to school...
I feel happy and loved with Justin
I feel compelled to hold on to the past, no matter how mad you make me.
I find MGMT to relax me at times, right now is not that time.
I am
easy-going
loved
silly
beautiful
outgoing
kind
spirited
easily pleased
happy
sad
exposed
distracted
f r e e


I feel confused with everything
afraid to be making mistakes
delighted to be moving forward
scared to move back


I should go to bed.